I was once asked (rather rudely, I might add) if I ever felt I was being misleading by 'filling up your blog with bunnies, rainbows and cutesy words when everybody knows how much being a small business owner sucks'. At the time, as you can probably imagine, I chose not to answer this particular inquiry (although I will say that writing about positive, fun things helps me to stay positive...).
So, this week, as I'm feeling like everything is falling apart, I've decided to 'be real'. Enjoy.
It’s as if my life’s become a series of blog posts and photo shoots. When I’m not working, at the gym or on an
event, I’m designing events for clients that don’t exist so I don’t lose my
edge. I’m reading blogs, magazines,
books, creating a digital presence, practicing my sketching, reaching out to
other industry professionals, staying up late to write blog posts (like this
one). I’m the one that decides which jobs to take and which ones to decline. I’ve got a household to run, a marriage to
enjoy, not to mention a social life to resurrect-all on top of a full time job. It.
I feel lately like I’m losing my voice.
I feel like my vision for this company I started, this company I love is
getting lost in all the compromise and I’m tired. I’m tired of having to remind myself and
everyone else that this is my company. I’m
tired of constantly explaining that this is not a hobby. This is not a co-op. This is a business that will help feed my family,
help fulfill my dreams. Some days, I don’t
know why I’m doing this. I don’t know
why I can’t just be happy in my little office, with my little paycheck, making
someone else’s dreams come true, just like millions of people all over the
In a lot of ways I’m extremely lucky.
I’m pursuing my passion. I have a
wonderful husband off whom I can bounce ideas.
He’s interested in helping me create a suitable design space; he talks
me off a ledge every time I am an emotional doomsday prepper. He reminds me to stand up for myself when I
feel my vision for Goldiluxe is being threatened. Without his support, we (Goldiluxe and I)
would be screwed. I also found an
amazing design partner, someone who understands me when I can’t get the words
out of my mouth. She can take my
distracted ramblings and turn out these incredible works of art. She makes me feel comfortable in my
leadership role even when I’m terrified that making tough decisions and having difficult
discussions will ruin our amazing friendship.
Without her, I don’t know what I’d do…
But even so, no one else's signature is on the papers I filed with the
state, no one else is writing contracts...then re-writing them when they feel
it's too harsh...then re-writing them again when they've realized an iron-clad
contract is a good thing. There's no one there when accountants need to
be met, lawyers seen, accounts opened, marketing plans planned, spaces investigated…you
get the picture. At the end of the day, this business, along with the
fiscal and emotional burden and success fall squarely on my shoulders. That’s a big, terrifying responsibility.
But would I change it? Would I
abandon Goldiluxe tomorrow if given the chance for an easy, clutter-free
life? Not in a million years. Even though I’m feeling lost and a little blue
right now, I know there’s lots of amazing happiness just around the
corner. Sometimes, I just want to feel
So you tell me, how do you make it work when you feel like giving up?