Living Authentically: Dealing With Disappointment

Another post bringing you small business realness!  I wish I could share the details with you, but since there are a few other people involved, I'll just give you the basics for now.  Oh, also.  Since I didn't think you wanted to see pictures of me looking wistfully out of a window at the rain, I thought I'd let the GoldiPets telegraph my emotional journey for you! xoxo-E

'Disappointment' as portrayed by Rosemarie Paisley.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been working extremely hard on a project.  It was more of a concept or expansion  project than a design project.  I poured lots of extra hours into it and, even more importantly, I poured a lot of emotion into it.  I sketched, I outlined, I worked and reworked, I budgeted, re-budgeted...you get the idea.  After two really positive meetings (one over the phone and one in person) and a number of positive e-mails, I really thought this was to be the break I'd been looking for.  After we'd scheduled our next meeting, I left feeling amazing!  I felt brilliant, untouchable, energized and a million other things.  I immediately got started on the homework we'd scheduled for ourselves and by the next morning I had some results to share....and I didn't hear anything.  All day.  I felt like something was off.  Then, at 11:00p, I finally saw the e-mail.  It was not good.  Plans had changed and I found myself unceremoniously cut out. I was reeling.  I immediately thought of all the ideas I'd given so freely over which I would now have very little ownership.  All the plans I'd shared about my own brand. I'll admit, I had a good cry.  A whole new wave of emotion washed over me as I began to deal with this new information.  Above everything, I was so heartbroken and disappointed.

'Reflection' featuring Roxie Mae.

I took the evening to marinate in my crankiness and look for support from The Hubbs.  Sadly, his helpful, rational input just made everything worse, so I said, "Just let me have my feelings!"  All in all, I handled it pretty well...  The next day, after I'd had some perspective and more chats with Hubbs and a couple friends, what was said started to make lots of sense.  So, I reevaluated and I was able to pull out some positive points:

1.  Working on a new challenge gave me the chance to clearly lay out some goals that had otherwise been a little vague.  I got to see the light at the end of the tunnel, friends!

2.  I had the chance to have a frank discussion with The Hubbs about what we are and are not willing to commit to, both in terms of working relationships and fiscal responsibility.

3.  I have so much more to share with you and now I have a plan on how to do that!

4.  Baby's got some small business skillz (yes, with a 'z'), yo.  Whew! What a load off!

Disappointment is such a dirty word, isn't it?  We're not encouraged to inflict it on other people and we spend an immeasurable amount of time avoiding it ourselves.  And when it does happen to us, we're supposed to "suck it up", "get over it" and realize, "hey, it could be worse".  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one should wallow in their misfortune to the extent that it clouds one's judgement.  I just think it's super important to allow yourself time to mourn your lost opportunity.  Then, once your feelings are clearer, you can pull out all the things you've learned and move forward stronger and better equipped to handle the next challenge.

'Hopeful Optimism' by Rosemarie Paisley.

In case you're wondering, her little snout is covered in pollen from devouring several flowers.  She may be a flower thief, but she's a great emotion model!!

Living Authentically: If You Don't Blog It, Did it Really Happen?

I have written and rewritten this post at least 10 times.  It's been a reflective experience and I think I am finally to the place where this post makes sense.  

Wow, guys.  Have I had a hectic few weeks!  As most of you know, Country Wedding was on July 14th.  By all accounts, it was a success!  The set up was smooth, the couple loved it, and I made it into my bridesmaid's dress and down the aisle on time.  Best of all, I was surrounded by friends. Beautiful, wonderful, silly, zany friends.  It was literally the best weekend I have had in an immeasurable amount of time.  The only downside was, I keep feeling like I was missing something.  There were photos I didn't take, people I didn't tag, tweets missed, posts left untyped.  The whole time I was enjoying this blissful celebration of love, I found myself feeling guilty.  Guilty for not sharing it with all of you.  Can you believe?!  That got me thinking and asking myself a lot of important questions: When did social media become more important than our social lives?  Are you, my wonderfully loyal and amazingly talented readers entitled to the most precious parts of my life?  Where is the line?

A few of the aforementioned friends in a blurry picture taken in the midst of a belly laugh.

I find I still don't have the answers.  For instance, I did manage to snap this amazing picture of my friends during their first dance as husband as wife.  The lighting, their faces, guests looking on lovingly...le sigh.  As I jumped to post the picture to Instagram, I thought to myself, "Is this really my moment to share?"  I agonized over that little picture, desperately wanting to share with you the gravity and joy of the experience I was having, but ultimately, I decided to save it.  To protect that delicious little morsel from the interwebs.

As a blogger, I know these are not concepts I ponder alone.  I have read numerous posts from smart, accomplished women sharing their dilemmas and offering their advice. I often see myself in their words. There are many schools of thought...all of them valuable.  I have always chosen transparency for Goldiluxe, even when my truth is a bit dark.  I've never once regretted that choice. Maybe I'm feeling like I've opened up a floodgate?  Like now that we've established such honesty, I'm having trouble rebuilding my boundaries? Does that make sense?

 Blooms from my ultra sweet hubby.

I won't bore you with the gory details, but I will say that for me, this summer has been a season of reevaluation. After weeks of feeling guilty, I realized (with the support of some really great friends) that it is okay for me to take a step back, to get my shizz in order and enjoy myself once in awhile.  That I am still a devoted wife, a talented designer and a driven business woman, even if I don't blog everyday.  Even if I'm not tweeting ad nauseum.  Whew!  What a load off, amiright?!

 I want to live my life fully, unbound by the pressures of social media. So what does that mean for this space?  It means that I'll still be honest with you, I still may use a few naughty words here and there, I still may tell you more than you want to know sometimes.  You'll still see all the things you're used to seeing around here.  What this means is that I am giving myself permission to keep some of my moments, my treasures, my life to myself.  To immerse myself in those moments and experiences as they happen.  To enjoy my loved ones when they are standing right in front of me.  I encourage you to do the same.

Tell, me.  How do you cope when the pressures of social media become too much?

In Which Shizz Gets Real

I was once asked (rather rudely, I might add) if I ever felt I was being misleading by 'filling up your blog with bunnies, rainbows and cutesy words when everybody knows how much being a small business owner sucks'.  At the time, as you can probably imagine, I chose not to answer this particular inquiry (although I will say that writing about positive, fun things helps me to stay positive...). 


So, this week, as I'm feeling like everything is falling apart, I've decided to 'be real'.  Enjoy.


It’s as if my life’s become a series of blog posts and photo shoots.  When I’m not working, at the gym or on an event, I’m designing events for clients that don’t exist so I don’t lose my edge.  I’m reading blogs, magazines, books, creating a digital presence, practicing my sketching, reaching out to other industry professionals, staying up late to write blog posts (like this one). I’m the one that decides which jobs to take and which ones to decline.  I’ve got a household to run, a marriage to enjoy, not to mention a social life to resurrect-all on top of a full time job.  It.  Never. Stops.

I feel lately like I’m losing my voice.  I feel like my vision for this company I started, this company I love is getting lost in all the compromise and I’m tired.  I’m tired of having to remind myself and everyone else that this is my company.  I’m tired of constantly explaining that this is not a hobby.  This is not a co-op.  This is a business that will help feed my family, help fulfill my dreams.  Some days, I don’t know why I’m doing this.  I don’t know why I can’t just be happy in my little office, with my little paycheck, making someone else’s dreams come true, just like millions of people all over the world.

In a lot of ways I’m extremely lucky.  I’m pursuing my passion.  I have a wonderful husband off whom I can bounce ideas.  He’s interested in helping me create a suitable design space; he talks me off a ledge every time I am an emotional doomsday prepper.  He reminds me to stand up for myself when I feel my vision for Goldiluxe is being threatened.  Without his support, we (Goldiluxe and I) would be screwed.  I also found an amazing design partner, someone who understands me when I can’t get the words out of my mouth.  She can take my distracted ramblings and turn out these incredible works of art.  She makes me feel comfortable in my leadership role even when I’m terrified that making tough decisions and having difficult discussions will ruin our amazing friendship.  Without her, I don’t know what I’d do…

But even so, no one else's signature is on the papers I filed with the state, no one else is writing contracts...then re-writing them when they feel it's too harsh...then re-writing them again when they've realized an iron-clad contract is a good thing.  There's no one there when accountants need to be met, lawyers seen, accounts opened, marketing plans planned, spaces investigated…you get the picture.  At the end of the day, this business, along with the fiscal and emotional burden and success fall squarely on my shoulders.  That’s a big, terrifying responsibility.

But would I change it?  Would I abandon Goldiluxe tomorrow if given the chance for an easy, clutter-free life?  Not in a million years.  Even though I’m feeling lost and a little blue right now, I know there’s lots of amazing happiness just around the corner.  Sometimes, I just want to feel heard.

So you tell me, how do you make it work when you feel like giving up?

Some Calm in the Internet Storm

So, if you're anything like me and read wedding blogs incessantly, you're probably aware of this.  Then there was this.  Basically, some couple had a wedding (albeit a thoughtless and distasteful one) and people lost their shizz.  And, in the interest of full disclosure, I should say I kinda lost my shizz a little bit, as well.  Because, in my opinion having an oh, so awesome time while making light of the struggle of millions all over the world is tasteless.  Abject poverty isn't fun.  It isn't romantic and it isn't cute.  But I kept my damn mouth shut.  Which is another post...

My point is, if I may be frank, this wedding started an Internet shit show. Once that fire was a'blazin, the flames were fanned. I am still collecting my thoughts and in response to those of you who've asked my opinion: I plan to throw my two cents in later this week.

In the meantime, I suggest you read this post by the mastermind behind the Offbeat Empire, Ariel Meadow Stallings.  It's well written and thought provoking.  Then, we'll discuss this issue here.